Responsibility 101

We live in a culture that encourages blame and celebrates victimhood. We’ve gotten so used to celebrities, leaders, and politicians pointing fingers that it’s pretty much expected. And instead of seeing our own responsibility and what we could do to hold people to task, we offload it to those “in power” and complain away whatever we don’t like. Ownership and personal responsibility are practically counter-culture and those who practice it, do so sometimes at great risk to their reputations, livelihoods, and safety. The risk-reward is, however, worth it. Trading away your agency is a Faustian bargain that will never get you what you want. It may feel good temporarily to avoid consequences, receive praise, or even cash in, but if, deep down, you want what most people want — a sense of happiness, well-being, success, and self-esteem — the path to achieving it is paved with failure, humility, ownership, and personal responsibility. So how do we embrace our responsibility and inspire others to as well? The first step is understanding our aversion to it.

They say old habits die hard, and it’s true. Most of the games people play to avoid responsibility are learned in childhood. No one likes to get punished. Some people avoid punishment at all costs, others learn to negotiate and evaluate how bad the punishment will be vs. how badly they want to do the behavior. It gets convoluted, though, when children learn that they can get out of punishment by crying, making excuses, or even insincere apologies. This currency, which doesn’t address the underlying behavior, is a dangerous habit to reward and a difficult habit to break. Because parents are often angry when they impose punishments, or do so in a reactive way, children learn that experiencing consequences, especially negative ones, is “bad.” But, in truth, we cannot avoid consequences. They exist no matter how we feel about them and especially no matter what other people feel about them. Breaking out of that paradigm — of evaluating conduct based on how other people react — is essential to becoming a responsible adult and developing a set of personal ethics, but so many remain stuck in it well beyond their adolescence.

Another way people learn to blame or end up feeling helpless is when they grow up with parents who don’t implement any accountability. These are parents who will make excuses when the child fails or gets rejected, will never follow through on consequences, and will clean up after their messes. Usually, these parents are afraid of conflict or don’t want to be held accountable themselves. We can’t teach what we don’t practice. It may feel better in the moment to be buddies with your child and distract them from negative emotions, or it may be easier to clean up their mess than initiate a battle of wills, but the long-term effects on how the child views the world and how reality works are not adaptive or psychologically healthy.

Seeing our effects and how our actions affect others, positively and negatively, is necessary to develop a sense of self and individual agency. If I am constantly denying my participation, I am denying my own potency. Personal responsibility is recognizing that I cause things to happen. Sometimes I may like those things, sometimes I may not, but being willing to see them is what puts me in the driver’s seat of my own life. We can’t learn and grow if we won’t observe and reflect. And if you avoid seeing how you cause “bad” things (we all do things with negative outcomes, intentionally or not), then you cannot accept responsibility for the “good” things either. This leads to feeling listless and at the whim of the world. In fact, believing we are a victim of our circumstances is often what leads to depressive states or co-dependent relationships.

With all that said, people can change, and you can make a difference in other people’s lives depending on how you respond to them when they blame, make excuses, or act totally helpless. (And your own life too, but we’ll talk about those other people first.) You can especially make a difference in young people’s lives if you introduce consequences without them feeling judged or punished. At the end of the day, nothing is inherently good or bad. We judge actions and effects based on our values and morality. Often, it’s about getting a given result and what behavior supports that. Taking away the arbitrary rules you may have (like, you must never be late; otherwise, you’re an inconsiderate a-hole) allows for more constructive solutions when others fail.

Let’s say you coach a youth sports team and, presumably, all the kids on the team want to a) get better at the sport, and b) win at whatever sport it may be. But, some players keep showing up late, forgetting their equipment, and generally not being focused at practice. Not all, but some, who affect the experiences of everyone. When you confront the ones who are late, they make excuse after excuse. Suppose their excuses are even valid: the bus was late, the new location was harder to find, their last class ran long, whatever. What they’re not recognizing in the moment is that their conduct still impacts others, regardless of the excuse. Having a good excuse is only intended to avoid punishment or alleviate internal judgment, but it doesn’t address the cause of the failure, which makes it bound to be repeated. So, whether they’re soothing themselves with self-pity or just wanting you off their back, you need to snap them out of it in a way that’s impersonal and productive.

One way to inspire compliance is something they do in the military. Of course, I was never in the military, but I did go to “boot camp” when preparing to act in the sci-fi show, Battlestar Galactica. We had a former marine teach us what it was like (sort of) by learning to march, salute, take orders, wear our uniforms, etc. One day I showed up without the notebook in my uniform pocket. I can’t remember if I forgot it or thought it wasn’t needed, but it doesn’t matter. Because of my failure, everyone else had to do 20 push-ups. Not only did it feel awful to see my friends have to endure pain on account of my mindlessness, it also taught me that when you’re in the battlefield, even tiny mistakes can have great costs. On a sports team, maybe being a few minutes late for practice isn’t a big deal, but that attitude of being lazy and self-centered could cost a game. So, as a coach, you could: not start practice until everyone is there, maybe just stand in silence; you could make the practice go the extra minutes that were lost at the beginning; you could have them run laps for the number of minutes people are late. The point is not to punish or inflict pain, but to teach that there are consequences to conduct, and excuses don’t make them go away. As much as we wish they did, excuses don’t change reality, they just change how people feel about reality. If someone is constantly numbing themselves to the pain of their failures with excuses, they will never feel inspired to do better.

The key to holding others accountable in an uplifting way is to check that you’re not acting out of anger or revenge. First, we must recognize that everyone is doing their best. No one wants to be a f*ck up, but we have bad habits and limiting beliefs that keep us from realizing our potency. Introducing practical, cause-and-effect consequences for suboptimal behavior requires thought, and it requires us to, at the very least, control any anger or judgements we may have about it. If we’re the type of person who considers being on time, late, then when people are late, we are going to have a really hard time with it. We may think they are inconsiderate, lazy, self-absorbed, or even rude, and that may even be true. But it may also be true that they had a different upbringing where lateness wasn’t a big deal, as long as you had an excuse, or maybe their parents were always running behind so they’re just modeling what they saw. Old habits die hard, but they are not set in stone. Holding someone accountable to their commitments can be very uncomfortable, especially if they’re not used to it, but it is ultimately the best thing you can do for a person.

Last important point: There must always be a “way back.” A lot of people choose excuses, self-pity, and helplessness because they feel there is no way to fix a situation where they’ve failed or “done wrong.” They say “don’t cry over spilt milk,” but we should really say, “if you spill milk, clean it up.” Often the path forward is simpler than we make it because we get lost in judgment and what others will think, which never solves the problem. If someone keeps failing or has hurt you somehow, consider what it would take for them to make up for it and have you trust it won’t happen again. That will help you act more pragmatically and not take it personally. Everyone is doing their best, even though it may not seem like it at times. Understanding that we are ultimately responsible, even for our reactions to others’ behavior, will help us navigate with more grace, and with more resourcefulness to help others grow out of their bad habits. As Ram Dass says, “We are all walking each other home.” Lead the way, and offer direction when others are lost.